Thursday, February 24, 2011

For the record, Mark Zuckerberg, I thought of it first.

You know what facebook is missing?


It would be so much easier to keep track of everyone in your life on one social network, instead of flipping between facebook for your friends and buttfacebook for your enemies.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

There Is No "We" in "Mole"

I think it's time to talk about the mole. I mean, the Mole, capitalized as the proper noun that it is. You know, the one on my face, just above my left eye. Don't pretend you haven't seen it. I'm stepping out of denial now and we don't have to play nice anymore.

Last week the Mole filed for its own Social Security Card and a Target Visa line of credit. Yesterday the Mole retained an attorney and requested an official trademark symbol. It's time to take this seriously. The Mole is getting out of control.
Trade Mark Mole

Most of the time I pretend it's not there. Some of the time I pretend it's not that big. One time, at least a dozen years ago, my cute little niece was drawing a portrait of me with her crayons. She drew lots of curly hair, two brown eyes, a nose, mouth, and a giant reddish blob above one of my eyes.

"What's that?" I remember asking.
"It's that thing on your face," she said.

I felt dumb then. I feel dumberer now. I didn't mean to let it get this far. In my heart of hearts, I thought we could be friends, Mole and I, but partnerships are historically difficult. It's time I go all Egyptian on this mole and revolt. Ultimately this will involve the help of a licensed dermatologist, but in the mean time I'm going to take immediate action to let Mole know that I'm serious. Today I'm going to de-friend it on facebook and stop following it on Twitter. And when it texts me later, I'm totally not going to respond.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Our Circus Can't Beat Up Anybody Else's Circus

I did something stupid over the weekend. I went to see the circus. It was so underwhelming, I strongly urge the owners to rename it, "Mediocre Show on Earth."
The last time I saw the circus was in 1988. My grandfather treated my family to the show. He was old, in the beginnings of his decline. It was a Saturday afternoon. I wore a red dress. The show, as I recall, was spectacular. The clowns were so funny, the animals were so majestic, the contortionists were so bendy, the stunts were so life-threatening, and the trapeze absolutely blew my mind. In short, the experience was magical.

I wanted to revisit the circus many times since then, but was turned off because of alleged animal abuse. I boycotted the circus for as long as I could possibly stand it, right up until Saturday. I'm not sure why I decided to give in. After all, I was on a 23-year streak. I guess I sort of hoped that the allegations were either false or no longer an issue. Plus, who are we to say that elephants don't like wearing sequins? (See how easy it is to break down your moral fiber with only a little justification?)

If only I'd been warned that the real reason to boycott the circus is that it has taken a serious nose dive into the Snore Zone. For example, there were fewer clowns this time, and they were not even remotely funny. I know we're in a recession, but is funny that expensive? Did funny have to get cut out of the budget? I walk around being funny all day long for free! If it were up to me, I would have given the horribly annoying musical numbers the axe instead.

There were very few stunts in the show---no ladies doing handstands on top of galloping horses, no tiny Asian men folding themselves into 3 x 5 index cards, and no trapeze artists flying through the air by their teeth. The best we got was a man catapulted across the stage shortly after being lit on fire. It was semi-impressive if I hadn't SEEN IT EVERY NIGHT ON DAVID LETTERMAN IN 2006. Plus, they gave the guy a giant inflatable landing pad and a crew with fire extinguishers to greet him there. Where's the excitement in that?

I wanted to like the circus, I really did. I went in ready to give it my all. And I would have been satisfied if only it had maintained the 1988 status quo. But truthfully, I was hoping it had become bigger and better as most great American industries do, like our car manufacturing and healthcare system. Oh wait.

But seriously, I was semi-expecting that the circus of 2011 would be all thrilling and edgy. You know, I thought maybe they'd have one of the lions escape from the cage, jump into the crowd and eat a kid. Then, just before the crowd tramples each other on the way out of the building, the lion runs back to the cage, vomits the kid out whole and unscathed at the feet of the burly tamer to the jaw-dropping surprise of the audience. The lion takes a deep bow as the crowd erupts into applause. The lion tamer then lifts the kid---who is actually a pygmy circus performer disguised as a kid---onto his shoulders. And all of this, of course, is going on as trapeze artists are flying around the big top on fire, practicing contortion moves. Now THAT'S thrilling and edgy. That's the circus of 2011.

Hey, Circus, you can actually have that idea for free. You're welcome.

Friday, February 18, 2011

All Right, Let the Birthday Wishes Start Pouring In

Today I turn 34. And I've been wondering lately, when is it that being young is no longer part of your identity? I've always felt young, being a younger sister and a young mother and such. But when does that start to slip away?

It's also Ryan's birthday today. Same day, same year. Wouldn't it be awful if one day, we thought we were going on the Oprah show to win a new car or dream vacation, but we were really going because Oprah was going to surprise us on national television with the shocking discovery that we are actually fraternal twins? Eeewwwwww. I hate Oprah.

In other news, this ailing blog turned 5 yesterday. Five entire years of blogging. I started blogging when I was 29, living in Utah, putting Ryan through school, and wondering if Max would ever be able to talk. Feels like a lifetime ago. Wow.

So, of course, there's lots of celebrating going on around here today. Except that we are on a spending freeze now, since we're headed to Paris next month. And we're on an eating freeze so that we can be skinny in Paris next month. Basically, we're sitting around on the couch eating lettuce today. It's going to be epic.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

In a Bizarre Turn of Events

Ryan bought us tickets to Paris yesterday. He stumbled upon a ridiculously low airfare, $82.60 each way, $165 round trip. It must have been some sort of error, that price, because it only lasted about 10 minutes. But we got them AND THEY CAN'T TAKE THEM BACK! We're still sort of paralyzed with wonder and confusion. We're taking the kids, plus our hilarious neighbor and her son, Christian's best friend. We leave in about a month.

I told Ryan this is my birthday present. When I told my dad about it, he said, "How are you going to top that next year?" 

I thought about it. Next year for my birthday, Ryan can simply say, "Remember when I found us tickets to Paris for $83?" And I will bask in the awesomeness again. It will be present enough.

I laid in bed last night, unable to sleep, visions of baguettes dancing in my head. I began planning our wardrobes. I'm going to dress myself in black, with a parade of berets and red lipstick. I'm going to dress my children as mimes. I'm going to force Ryan to slick his hair down and don a thin mustache.

I hope some poor Delta employee didn't get fired for accidentally selling flights to Paris for $82.60, but if he did, I hope he knows how much it meant to me that he did it.

Life is so unpredictable.

Now we have to figure out what to do when we get there. Do you have any great suggestions? Tips? Must sees? Must eats? Great hotels or areas to stay? Fun activities for our motley crew of adults, teens, and tweens?

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Various Reasons Why I Haven't Been Blogging

  • I've been eating.
  • I've been accidentally falling into a coma at 9:00 every night.
  • I've been working on my novel.
  • I've been avoiding working on my novel.
  • I've been watching the Real Housewives of Anywhere.
  • I've been watching the reunion shows of the Real Housewives of Anywhere.
  • I've been having deep, meaningful conversations with my dog.
  • I've been attending a billion basketball games.
  • I've been doing a lot of push-ups.
  • I've been worrying about people I love.
  • I've been cursing at the weather man and his endless stream of depressing news.
  • I've been not scrubbing my toilets.
  • I've been cuddling up in my Snuggie.
  • I've been walking out to the mailbox.
  • I've been texting.
  • I've been watching the Food Network.
  • I've been eating a lot of sushi.
  • I've been going to Disneyland.
  • I've been inspecting my cuticles.
  • I've been wondering if I like blogging anymore.
  • I've been hanging out with my funny neighbors.
  • I've been considering a new couch. 
  • I've been reading books.
  • I've been contemplating the meaning of life.
  • I've been browsing online marketplaces.
  • I've been looking up the lyrics to rap songs my son wants to download.
  • I've been working some, but not enough.
  • I've been dreaming of going places, warm places.
  • I've been drinking lots of water.
In other words, I've been biz-aaaaay. What have you been up to?

Monday, February 14, 2011

Love Is Sometimes Hard to Explain

I gave him a swirly, romantic valentine card in spanish. Neither of us speak spanish.

He gave me a valentine card with a cow on the front. It was almost as good as the bunny card of 2007.

Happy Valentine's Day, everybody!

Friday, February 11, 2011

Of Failed Viaries and Holy Jeans

I just failed at three attempts to make you a video. It's the thing to do these days, the video on the blog. I refuse to call it a vlog, however. I hate that word. I barely tolerate the word blog, but vlog? Nope. Can't do it. Maybe if I make one I will call it a viary or a vournal or, hey---a video! I like the word video. It's got a great 80s ring to it. Or perhaps I will call it a film, because I'm artistic like that.

On my video/film I was showing off my new glasses. They replaced my old pair with Transitions Lenses. At the time, I was very excited about Transitions Lenses, but they didn't really work for me. The actual transition of those glasses wasn't so much from clear to tinted lenses, as much as a transformation from decent looking glasses to extremely dorky glasses. Other people (my dear dad included) are rocking the Transitions Lenses, but sadly I could not. Life is much better now with good, old-fashioned plastic lenses that make me squint and get a piercing headache in sunlight.

Photo 60
Speaking of sunlight, I have some exciting news to share! Despite what the groundhog predicted, I can assure you that spring is just around the corner. Why? Because the other day as I was retrieving clothes from Max's drawers for him to wear to school, I grabbed a pair of jeans with a hole in the knee. I put it back and grabbed another, and guess what? That pair had a hole in the knee as well. I traded it for a third pair and, again, found a hole in the knee. I was just about to growl, when I realized what this all meant. These are the pants that were purchased in early September and they are wearing out! Every year, just as I'm on the verge of replacing all the hole-y jeans, I realize that it's not worth it because the kids are ready to wear shorts. Glory, glory hallelujah! I might make it after all! As it stands, Max only has one more pairs of jeans without holes. I figure it should only be a few more weeks before the last pair gives up the threadbare ghost and ushers in a new season.

Thanks for checking in if you're still checking in. And happy almost-spring!
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